Back then, when Sean made his name and came back for me, I had actually planned to tell him everything.
I had rehearsed it over and over in my head.
I wanted to say—
The cruel things I said when I left you were lies.
You were always good.
Too good.
You deserved the best girl in the world.
A girl who could give you a happy family.
Healthy children.
A life without poverty.
A life without illness.
I memorized those words so many times.
I kept hoping that when the day came, I’d be able to smile and tell him, “Please be happy.”
No one knew how many nights I cried in the dark after that.
How many times I thought—
It’s such a shame.
The girl who gets to love him for life isn’t me.
The day I finally gathered the courage to explain, I went looking for him.
He was at a private club discussing business.
When we spoke on the phone, he sounded drunk.
After he hung up, I got worried and went there anyway.
But when I found the room and looked through the little glass window—
I saw him.
He was holding another woman in his arms.
Kissing her like he couldn’t get enough.
I pushed open the door.
He turned and looked at me.
Not guilty.
Not flustered.
Not ashamed.
I bit back my tears.
“Sean,” I asked, “are you messing with me?”
He let go of the woman and walked toward me, smelling like liquor.
He backed me against the wall, lifted a hand, and gently wiped away my tears.
Then he smiled.
The kind of smile that destroys things.
“I was going to,” he said.
“I was going to mess with you for fun.”
“But then I went to your place and saw how pitiful your life looked.”
“And suddenly I felt softhearted.”
“Megan, how about this? I’ll really marry you.”
My breathing stopped.
He leaned closer.
“But I don’t love you anymore.”
“So if you marry me, be good.”
“No crying. No making scenes.”
“I’ll have a lot of women. If you get jealous all the time, it’ll annoy me.”
When he said, I don’t love you anymore, something inside me shattered so completely that I still remember the sound.
I took a breath.
Forced myself to stay calm.
“Sean,” I said quietly, “I came here to tell you I’m not marrying you.”
“That year, when I broke up with you, it was because my mother—”
He grabbed my chin hard.
“Don’t you dare bring up your mother.”
“You don’t get to dump all the blame on her.”
“You and your mother are the same. Both obsessed with money.”
He was drunk and vicious and smiling.
“I’m telling you I’m marrying you. I’m not asking.”
“You’d better be grateful and accept it.”
He said he didn’t care about my explanation.
He said however much pain I had caused him, he would make sure I suffered even more.
Only then would it be fair.
I stared at his face and felt like I was looking at a stranger.
Maybe all those years, the love my mother and I had given him had only ever been wishful thinking.
Maybe back then I should have dragged him down with me.
Let him stay tangled in me, exhausted by poverty, unable to move forward.
Maybe I had been too stupid.
Stupid enough to seem pitiful even to myself.
Then he looked at me again and said casually, “I heard Lily used to work at clubs pouring drinks for clients.”
“She got lucky, huh? Managed to find a decent boyfriend.”
“Do you think if that guy knew she used to work that kind of job, he’d still want her?”
My whole body started trembling with anger.
I slapped him.
He turned his face with the force of it, then slowly pushed his tongue against the inside of his cheek and laughed.
“For revenge,” he said, grabbing my chin again, “I can do worse than this.”
“Try me if you don’t believe it.”
Sean was ruthless.
I knew that.
And I was terrified of ruining Lily’s hard-won life because of me.
So in the end, I told myself—
My life was already ruined anyway.
What difference did it make where it rotted?
If he wanted marriage as revenge, then fine.
I’d marry him.
That revenge lasted a very long time.
Long enough for Sean to eventually grow tired of it.
Long enough for him to start wanting to make up.
But by then, I no longer loved him.
Not anymore.